TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally away from location. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Of course, sure, let's have A further position the place American Guys can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer you Anyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should prevent applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest Trump Tower Damascus element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company could ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting consideration from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD may have flip-down support."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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